Islam and the family values

Family is the basic institution in the formation of a society. In Islam it is based on a solemn covenant of Nekah which is pledged by a man and a woman on request of one of them and the acceptance of other of them in presence of two sane and mature male witnesses or in presence of one male person of the same qualifications together with two women of the above qualifications.
The validity of Nekah depends upon the conditions that the woman who is the party to the pledge of Nekah is neither bound by Nekah with another man nor in a probation period following a divorce nor in a probation period following the death of her husband. It is also necessary that the said woman is not from those whose Nekah with him is forbidden due to that kind of kinship and family relationship that Islam forbids Nekah between them.
Islam insists upon entering into the pledge of Nekah and requires every Muslim not to avoid it and not to disregard it if there is not a reasonable obstacle for it. Islam considers Nekah as a necessary covenant for establishing family as well as for the protection from all immoral indulgences. Those who can economically afford for Nekah are required not to renounce it for any reason neither for the purpose of devoting more time for worship nor for the reason of abstaining from worldly pleasures. In one of the Khutbas the holy prophet (blessing and peace be upon him) addressed the youth telling them: “ O group of youth, any one among you who can afford for marriage has to marry, for the marriage is a means of checking on eyes and a guard of the modesty ” (Sahih Bukhari). Another Hadeeth that is narrated by Abu Qulabah also relates to this issue, he narrates that some of the Sahabas of holy prophet (blessing and peace be upon him) had the intention to renounce worldly pleasures and for that purpose to avoid marriage. But holy prophet warned them that: “ the adherence to that usage is a divergence from the Islamic way of belief ”. He further said: “ the people who were prior to you were perished because of the extremity, they afflicted hardship upon themselves so Allah afflicted them with more suffering”. He (blessing and peace be upon him) added, “ the persons who retreat into convents and monasteries are the remnants of those people, so you have to worship Allah and do not seek partner to Him and perform Hajj and Umra and remain firm”. Then he (blessing of Allah and peace be upon him) recited this A’ayah: “ O’ ye who believe make not unlawful the good things which Allah hath made lawful for you, but commit no excess for Allah loveth not those given to excess” Maida-90.
It is mentioned in (Sahih Bukhari ) and other books of Hadeeth that some of Sahabas went to the house of the holy prophet and sought to know from the mothers of believers about the worships of the holy prophet. When they got knowledge of it all thought of their own worships and as a repentance for their deeds one said he will permanently fast the other said he will worship day and night. The other person said he will avoid marriage and will never marry. When the news of these undertakings reached the holy messenger he (blessing and peace be upon him) warned them against the inappropriate pledges and said “verily I am more aware of Allah and more fearful of Him than you. But I do keep awaken and do sleep, I observe fast and I eat and I marry so any one who renounces my tradition he is not my follower”.
The solemn covenant of marriage establishes a sound, beneficial and healthy relation and a bond of mutual love and sincerity between husband and wife. It is not a lose contract of a man and a woman just for sexual pleasures but a solemn covenant that subjects them to the strict rules of mutual relations.  It is a necessary allegiance for establishing families. It subjects husband and wife to the rules from which their mutual rights and obligations emanate, the rules that determine their responsibilities in family life and in their relations to each other and in matters relating to the care for their children. The success of a marriage depends on the strength of the allegiance  of husband and wife to the requirements of marriage and on their obedience of the Islamic rules that govern mutual rights and obligations of husbands and wives. The nature of the quality of relations between husband and wife leaves deep impressions on characters and personalities of their children. Marriage settles down both men and women into a life that is immune of seductions and protects them from all kinds of immoral deviance which lead to the severe types of crimes. The holy Qur’an has indicated the purpose of Nekah and its objectivity as bringing of peace and comfort to the life of men and women. Nothing can give a person that peace of mind that is obtained by marriage. Neither wealth nor honor and pomp can give a person the comfort that is presented by marriage when the provisions of its rules and norms that outlines the rights and obligations of each of them are properly obeyed. The most crucial requirement for the success of a husband and wife’s life is honesty and sincerity to each other. These are the factors of common comfort as the revelation of the Holy Qur’an enjoins: “ And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts), verily in that are signs for those who reflect ” Rum-21.
 By entering into the solemn covenant of Nekah the parties of this covenant who have thereby attained the status of husband and wife attain the status of founding a family and becoming father and mother and as a father and mother they are charged with the duties that relate to raising children. Then they are charged with the responsibility of supervising the deeds and the common attitudes of their children. It is in fact a crucial rule in building their children’s moral personalities. Parents have the most important task of supervising the acts of their children from their early childhood to the late  stages of their youth life. The later  stage is comparatively more critical stage of children’s life. It is in fact the  stage during which most of rebellions against necessary moral values originate. Parents in fact offer society the values that they invest in their children and guide thereby the society to the path through which they lead their children. Parents have the initial responsibility of instructing them their obligation of worshipping their lord the Creator of the whole universe and they have to provide them the conditions to get the necessary education about fundamental worships in Islam and about the moral values that Islam considers them the most necessary values for a decent life with human dignity. The manner of a husband and wife in handling the responsibilities relating to their life as husbands and wives and their attitude to the matter of raising children have great impact on the subsequent career of their children. The strength of the bonds of love of parents to their children and children’s love of parents as well as the status of children’s mutual respect is the essential needs of raising a decent family. Kids learn and grasp moral deeds not only from the words of their parents or  the teachers of Islamic fundamentals but from their conducts, habits and usage as well. The rules of moral values that have been ordained by the holy Qur’an and the words and deeds of His holy prophet construct the qualities of decency of Muslim children. Those values aim to keep individuals and families qualified with human honor and dignity and not to be enslaved by lust and seductions.  Those values and all other qualities that have been ordained by Islam require not to cross the barriers that mark human qualities from indulgence in habits of crimes and the practices that are against the nature of humans. The covenant of Nekah is one of the crucial safeguards for those values.
On the basis of the rules of the Holy Qur’an and the words of the holy prophet Islamic jurists consider that it is Fard (obligatory ) for Muslims who can afford for marriage to marry and renouncing it is not permissible. A Muslim is not allowed to avoid marriage for fear of providing sustenance or for the responsibilities consequential to marriage. He has to work for providing the necessities and has to be hopeful for the grant of abundance by Allah Subhanahu Ta’ala that has been promised for the married persons who preserve their chastity and decency as it has been revealed in this revelation  “marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among your slaves, male or female. If they are in poverty Allah will give them means out of His grace and He knoweth all things” Nur-32.
Among the most important obligations of husbands and wives concerning married life is keeping the secrecy of the matters that are from the secrets of their relations as husbands and wives. It is decreed in holy Qur’an in this revelation: “ Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard” Nesa-34. Relating to this issue The holy messenger of Allah Subhanahu Ta’ala has also pointed that ‘verily the worst type of persons in status in sight of Allah on the Day of Judgment is that person who goes in bed with the woman and she goes in bed with him then spreads its secret. (Ahmad, Termezi, Nesaie, Ibn-e-Maja). Husbands and wives are required not to disclose some thing that is only between them and does not concern others. Another Hadeeth (saying of the holy prophet) is narrated by Abu Huraira in these words “ once when the prophet (blessing and peace be upon him) led us in prayer after the prayer he turned to the back and while facing us said: ‘is there any one among you who goes to his wife shuts the door, goes in bed with her and comes out and narrates saying I did with my wife so and I did with my wife so and so? Hearing this question all were silent then he (blessing and peace be upon him) turned his face towards  ladies and said is there someone among you who talk of that? Then a lady sat straight on her legs to be visible to holy prophet so that the prophet (blessing and peace be upon him) may hear her words and said, yes, by Allah, men do disclose and women do too. Then the prophet (blessing and peace be upon him) said: do you understand like whom are the persons committing it ? Verily the persons committing it are like a Satan male and a Satan female whose one meets the other in isolation joining her in quenching his need while the people watching at them. (Ahmad, Abu Daud, Bazaz). It is in fact the type of an act from which a Muslim is strictly prohibited. A Muslim is obliged to respect the secrecy of the relations that concerns mutual private relations of husband and wife alone. Guarding the secrets concerning their private life is in reality the protection of their dignity and honor and the protection of their status as dignified human beings.
Islam does not consider women to be merely a means of satisfying the sexual desires of men. It wants men and women to be real partners in their walk through life. They should be partners under a strict covenant that protects the dignity of men and women. The marriage covenant keeps men and women from becoming a commodity that may be bought on the street and could be discarded at will. Marriage requires from both parties to respect the covenant, carrying the requisite obligations and responsibilities honestly. Wives must be faithful and obedient to their husbands which means never to be in rebellion or having a feeling of contempt or even indifference against them and their admissible wishes and desires. A Muslim is not allowed to propose marriage to a divorced or widowed woman who has not completed the probation period determined for them, which is four months and ten days for the widow and the expiration of three monthly menstrual periods for the divorcee, and if she does not see the monthly menstrual period the probation period for her is three months. If she is pregnant the probation period expires with the birth of child. After the expiration of the probation periods that has been mentioned the women are allowed to marry whomever they wish and the men are allowed to propose marriage after that duration. A Muslim is not allowed to propose marriage to a person already espoused. If the first suitor withdraws the offer of marriage, or allows the second person to propose then there is no objection.
Following marriage a woman’s responsibilities increases and gets into a shape that without a hand from her husband she cannot properly carry them out. She in usual circumstances cannot singly respond the moral and material requirements of her children and cannot by herself provide them feeding, clothing and proper nursing as well as adequate attendance as she gives birth to one child after other following specific periods of times. These responsibilities get heavier when the woman is at later months of pregnancy. Even after the birth of child the mother remains weak and uncomfortable for some times while her children need her attendance and nursing. They need at very early steps of life to learn initially the common courtesies and the norms that are needed to be followed in life as individual persons and as members of societies. Further the mothers are required to raise them from very beginning with senses of reverence and love of parents, brothers and sisters and to understand the expectations of family and society. In all of these cases the husbands have the most needed responsibilities of attendance and nursing towards his wife and his children.
In matters of sex too Islam requires Muslims to obey certain rules. A husband can have sex with his wife only in a permissive way, which means that the husband is not allowed to have sex with his wife when she is within the menstruation period or when she is within the period of blood discharge for childbirth. Furthermore a husband’s intercourse in the backside private part of his wife is not permissible nor he is allowed to marry someone whose marriage is not permissible to him.